Hermit Mode

I tried to catch my breath as I could feel my lungs gasping for air - come on you've got this you can go out. It was no use I turned the key to the front door opened it then slammed it shut immediately. Squatting to the floor I pulled my phone out of my handbag and called the doctor. I'm sorry we don't have any appointments for a few weeks but I will try to get the doctor to call. Take some deep breaths the receptionist told me as I tried to regain a steady heartbeat. Ive had another panic attack, I told him and I can't get out of the house. Im sorry he said. I can see you've spoken to the doctor previously so what I can do is send your certificate to you if you give me your email address. I can also help you to set up your patient online services once I have your email account, its ever so easy and that way next time you need to get a repeat prescription or book an appointment you can use the app. He sounded like a sales man who'd just sealed a deal when I told him that would be great. Ok now that's all done,all you need to do is wait for the doctor to call you later today and from there you can arrange a face o face face appointment. Ive sent the email and Ive also sent you a text which is a quick survey we ask you to complete on how our services have helped you today. Well it won't be a ten out of ten I thought to myself because as caller 23 in the queue whilst I was waiting for the receptionist to answer not only had I wet myself, I'd ripped an even bigger hole in my favourite jeans. Thank-you for your support I told him and hung up the phone.

My anxiety turned to anger as I walked down the hall towards the kitchen flicking on the kettle as I went into the bathroom to get changed. Fuck, fuck this fucking world I hate it I screamed to myself as I looked in the mirror at my tear stained face. My eyes were less sore from the sties on my eyes although looking deep into my reflection I hated what was looking back at me. You've just got to face it I told myself you just don't fit in, you don't belong anywhere, you're a useless human that no one wants in their life. The emotional confusion was making decisions about myself harder between my head and my heart. As I tried to find the balance and composure to refocus my thoughts and face the reality that my inner child had been triggered, my heart ripped to shreds by the realities of the current situation, my mental and physical health were in jeopardy.

The tablets scattered over the floor as my phone suddenly vibrated in my pocket. Hello this is Doctor Elm, am I speaking to Pascal? Yes.Can we talk about how are feeling, anymore panic attacks? Yes today this morning about ten minutes ago. Oh dear, I know the last time we spoke I agreed we would meet to discuss your current situation at work, regarding the stress and anxiety it has caused you over past few months.Ive signed you off for another four weeks. Reading your notes I can agree you've suffered from a significant injury to your feelings. Yes its very difficult I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares, I know I'm depressed as my daily routine consists of getting out of bed coming downstairs and laying on the sofa all day. I've lost weight again, I feel nervous, can't concentrate, along with headaches I can't stop crying. Do you feel suicidal? yes more frequently now that I been forced into isolation and rejected again.I really don't think I need to be here any longer my whole life is a waste. Have you thought any more about antidepressant tablets? No doctor I don't the tablets won't sort out my work situation or make me feel any less rejected by society as I don't fit in or, make the pain of ending a relationship any less easier. I understand do you have family that can support you? Yes but they don't live near, I know they are supportive I get a sense they are fed up talking about it. My mind is all over the place and I find it hard to focus on anything. Well I understand you've had a traumatic experience. I'd like to make another appointment for you to come into the surgery there's something I think you might be interested in, shall we say Monday 8th at 9.30? Yes that's fine thank you. Great I will email you some information to read prior to your visit and we can discuss this when you come in. In the meantime do try and take care of yourself and remember there are emergency services you can call if you need help. Fine thank you doctor.

I really had to get out of hermit mode and try to face the world.